Post-optimal

I'm feeling like shit from excessive sleep. Seriously, what the fuck. I had 11 hours of sleep and it feels like I've had none! I'm drained, tired and dazed. I'm so used to getting so little sleep and suddenly having this much is totalllyyyy killing me. At least when I'm knackered from the lack of sleep, I can sleep to make it up. But what exactly do you do when you've had too much sleep? Not a whole lot hey.

Although based on the chart that I've drawn, I should still be fine even with 11 hours of sleep and I should only feel like I'm in a shithole when I've slept past 13 hours. But for someone who only sleeps 5-8 hours on average daily, sleeping beyond 11 hours is basically the same as sleeping beyond 13 hours. But I'm just saying because I can't be arsed relabelling my x-axis LOL.

I don't think I need this cyclic loading

Fatigue failure in the works.

Oh look who's there

I thoroughly admire your guts. I have told you a long long time ago to stop talking to me because I no longer wish to say a word to you or to hear from you. I do not need your dainty little hellos and well wishes. Do you have no shame? My opinion of you goes deeper down the guts with each word you say to me. I know very well your greetings are nothing more than a form of self-praise and clearly, I don't need to be your ego boost. 'Oh look at me, I still have the courtesy to say hi to you and I still want the best for you.' Two words from me - fuck off. I do not serve forgiveness on a silver platter and quite certainly not to you. Quit trying. I have already been far too kind towards you.

Where is home?

- Cable Beach, Albany

I was recently out in the bush for 7 days for my geology field-trip. Half the time I had noooooo freaking idea where I was, with only GPS trackings to go by. 50H 0547484 mE/UTH 6118401 mN, 50H 0514485 mE/UTH 6121949 mN, 50H 0327415 mE/UTH 6196788. Doesn't really help that much does it? The whole time, everyone was like oh, I miss home, I can't wait to get over with this thing, I miss my bed, I miss my boyfriend, I miss proper home cooked food and the list goes on.

As for me, I was secretly feeling left out and green with envy. I don't miss my bed or my flat or my housemates. There is simply nothing for me to miss. Yes, the bunk beds might have been a little squeaky and dodgy and the mattress covers are worn and tattered but I didn't seem to mind. As comfortable as my bedroom is, my place here daunts me. The minute I stepped back into my unit yesterday, all that came across my mind was "Um... Guess I'm back again. Hooray?". And the dirty kitchen floor and bathroom tiles could not make me sneer more.

Unconformity

My left cheek is pressed against the cold windscreen as I gaze into the far distance. Everything zooms by in a haze. From arid bushlands to lush farmlands populated by scattered herds of cows (or kangaroos) to the deep blue ocean that radiates so beautifully under the sun. I can't quite make out what's on my mind but it seems rather empty. Numb. Tranquillised.

I have travelled a lot throughout my life and there is always this one particularly strange sensation that tingles in me whenever I am on long bus journeys cruising down highways and country roads. It always feels like I'm travelling away from one time dimension to another. I am suddenly being taken out from the dimension that I am too familiar with (my comfort of home and daily routine) to another dimension. Another dimension that is full of unfamiliarties, adventures and excitement. It's never-ending. It's one excitement extending to another, and another and another. I can keep going. I can go on for forever.

Several days or weeks later, I discover myself being home once again. Smack right back into dimension one, back to reality. It feels like I have never left though. Everything seems to be in place and exactly how I last remembered. Was I ever away at all? The layer of dust that sits on my desk and the sunburn on my face reminds me that I have. It's convincing but not completely.

Today

I am seated in front of my desk, basking in the golden sunshine that filters through my bedroom window. Death Cab For Cutie is playing in the background and I am serenaded. Deep inside though, I am feeling grave.. and my cheeks feel damp from the rolling tears. I can't remember what I was crying over but it was much needed. I needed to shed these tears although I don't exactly know why. I really should be working on my assignments and getting on with more important things than this. But how can I when there is this void inside my heart that has yet to be addressed?

It's not about loneliness

I seem to be managing my life here better this year around. The chores aren't as daunting, deciding what to cook is a breeze, it isn't as difficult to keep up with my studies as it did last year and I am actually shedding those access body mass with minimal effort. Yet, something doesn't feel right. I'm not in my happiest state. For all I know, I could even be sinking into mild depression. I'm getting irritable, impatient and all that I'm not meant to be.

Someone reckon it could be from the loneliness. But I never feel like I'm short of friends here. I have friends to party, drink, shop and study with. It's all a matter of who I want to call or hang out with. Worse comes to worst, I still have my housemates or one of those random guys out there who's crushing on me to talk to. Maybe I've been boxed in my little bedroom for far too much.

I decided to keep myself preoccupied by being more outgoing and social during this long uni Easter break. But why am I not feeling any better? Why is that emptiness still raging within? Finally it hits me, it's not about loneliness, it's about being separated from my loved ones. All of them - my family, my dogs, my exhousemates Joyce, Cerise, Priscilla and Ali and all my bestest friends. I have been back in Perth for a while now but I have yet to find someone whom I can draw love from. It makes perfect sense now.

Capital L

Sorry, but pushing the boundaries of my patience is frankly not the wisest idea. Don't talk to me if you have inferiority or insecurity issues because my indifference isn't going to make you feel any better. I have better people to talk to after all so don't you talk to me like I owe you the world. A word of advice, grow up. Immaturity doesn't have a place here.

Wake yourself up

- Mt. Kinabalu, Malaysia

... you've been dreaming again.

If being daydreamer was a job that pays, I'd be a millionaire by now. Alas, reality doesn't work that way. I need to set my shit straight.